Unconditional Love and Meditation
Carl Rogers was a pioneer in clinical psychology and counseling in the 20th century. He laid the groundwork for what is now commonly known as humanistic therapy. One of the pillars of humanistic therapy is unconditional positive regard, which is the basic attitude of acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does. This means that the person is accepted for who and what they really are. This is also known as unconditional love, an extremely powerful, transformative and growth inducing force. Carl Rogers, along with others, have said that in some sense all a child needs to grow, develop healthy relationships and flourish is unconditional love from their parents. Think of the child like a plant, and the parents’ love like the light that sustains it. Through feeling the love from the parents, children learn to love themselves, thus allowing them to be independent, well adjusted people.
The next idea will be synthesized with the former: let’s also keep in mind that excess desire leads to suffering (dukkha). Excess desire leads one down an endless, cyclical unquenchable path. Once someone ‘gets’ something they want, the object of desire shifts once again. One can chase one’s tail for eternity doing this. And there’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what you desire (haha). So, in a sense, desiring anything of oneself or another leads to suffering. Consequently, if we aim to reduce suffering and increase awakening, we should release the desire of others, oneself, and the present moment to be something it is not. When you meditate, release the desire to control, understand, analyze, ‘figure out,’ feel something that you are not feeling, have something you don’t have, etc. Accept the present moment and all in it for what it is. Let go, which is to say, simply notice the desire for anything and allow it to evaporate. Allow your for your thoughts, feelings, and sensations to float into and out of your awareness as if you were watching clouds floating by a mountain. And when you make the intention to do this, make it clear.
Okay, so now I would like to invite you to engage in a meditation that I made when I was 15 or 16. I had just read about the attitude of unconditional love recently, and thought about applying it to my breath-focused meditation practice. This is a meditation that has transformed my life in subtle, yet profound ways. I sincerely hope that you find this meditation calming, grounding, healing, transformative, and consciousness expanding.
Begin by assuming a position you are comfortable in. I would suggest sitting either on the edge of a chair or bed, or on the edge of a meditation cushion of some sort so that you do not fall asleep.
We will begin by taking 12 deep breaths, breathing in for about 12 seconds, holding for 12 seconds, and exhaling for 12 seconds. Between each breath take a normal breath fully in and letting go naturally. This will take about 7–10 minutes.
Now, with your eyes closed, imagine that you are sitting on a park bench with your friend next to you. This is a friend who you love and care about very much. This is a friend you haven’t seen in a while, but it feels comfortable with them. This friend symbolizes your breath. You want the best for them. You want them to grow. You want them to be happy. You realize that one way you can help them feel this way is to apply an attitude of unconditional positive regard and unconditional love towards them. They begin speaking to you, and you listen fully, not wanting to interrupt, for that would be allowing your ego’s desires to take control, which may hurt them. They need you to listen. They need you to be there for them — with them. Be present with your breath. Feel your breath flow through you. What your friend (your breath) says to you are your thoughts, and emotions. You feel how it feels when they speak to you. You can feel the emotions in your body.
You allow the friend to say what they need to say without interrupting with your own words and thoughts — your friend. Your full attention is aimed towards feeling, allowing, observing, and accepting them. You have a clear intention to do this. You carry this attitude with whatever sensations you feel: the air around you, the feeling of the surface beneath you, how your body feels when you notice it, etc. Basically ‘physical sensations.’ This means you allow your breath to rise and fall how it feels natural to — how your friend naturally is. ‘Let them be themselves,’ says the pro-social adage. This attitude means you listen to and pay full attention to your breath as if you are listening to a friend who needs to talk to you. You are listening to your breath, thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations with this attitude. Just as they/we apply this person-centered attitude as therapists, you are putting your own person in the center of awareness and attention. Except there’s a crucial difference between the relationship of self and self (meditating on yourself, writing/thinking about yourself), and therapist and client, because the latter involves a power differential and the therapist does not reveal really anything about themselves to the client.
With your awareness you observe your friend while they are speaking — their body language, facial expressions, tone and volume of voice, etc. Observe your breath. Notice how your body is moving and feeling. Notice the faces you might make. Notice the tone of your voice in your head and maybe how loud or forceful it sounds. Also observe your breath when doing this.
You accept your friend fully for who they are. They do not have to be anything they are not. They are free to flow in their essence as purely as they feel they need to. This acceptance heals them and makes them feel supported, and a sense of belonging. You want your friend to feel this way because you care about them. And so too, you are learning to accept yourself. Accept your breath, and all of the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that you are having. Feel the feeling of acceptance that you have for the people you love the most. Now direct that feel of unconditional acceptance towards yourself, towards your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
Do not try to control your breath or make it relaxed. You would not try to control your friend if they were upset, anxious, angry, excited, etc. Just let your friend be who they are in this moment. Notice that the image of the friend is just a thought — just an idea, an image, a projection of your mind, your ego. Let your breath be what it is in this moment. Do not desire the breath to be anything it is not. Let go of the desire to control the breath, which is rooted in survival. Notice how a desire is related to every thought, feeling, and sensation, and simply allow it to be there. Don’t pursue it and don’t push anything away. Let the moment be the moment. Let what is, be. Notice. Notice yourself noticing.
Repeat this in your head: I intend to feel, allow, observe, and accept my thoughts, emotions, sensations, and breath with unconditional positive love as if they are my friend who I want to grow. And you know unconditional love and acceptance is necessary for growth. Repeat this two more times. Feel, allow, observe, and accept your thoughts, feelings, and sensations with unconditional positive regard, and return your attention to the breath, allowing it to flow and be just as it is.
Do this for as long as you’d like. I would suggest doing this for 30 minutes, including the warm up breathing. 40 minutes is really ideal, though.
Slowly bring your attention to your body. Just notice where your mind drifts when you notice your body. Notice your finder tips. Your toes. Slowly wiggle them. Notice your eyelids. Slowly open them. Now continue with your day. I hope you’ve enjoyed this meditation :).
Often times, people find it difficult to accept and love themselves. However, many people are familiar with having feelings of love and goodwill towards people close to them. Even if we struggle to accept ourselves, we often still have the ability to accept and support others. However, since we know how to love others, by visualizing our breath as our friend who we want to grow, be happy, and feel loved, we can learn to develop the ability to love and accept ourselves. In this meditation, this ‘friend’ that we are directing love towards is actually our breath. It is our body, mind, and spirit. Thus, through loving others, we can learn to love ourselves, and vice versa.
This capacity for love is infinite. This love exists within our heart, and you can feel it when you breathe. It’s a warm, energy filled, expansive feeling. The unconditional nature of this love entails no limits or finitude to it — it is infinite. It contains all the resources you need to grow and thrive. It contains all the answers you need or at least can orient you to the path you need to be on. Thus, everything you need can be found within you: infinity is within you, the infinity within. All that is, then, is within you. For how could there be a difference? After all, the self/other duality, like all dualities is an illusion. See my article _____ on that.
And through learning to love yourself unconditionally and infinitely, and since infinity is not actually contained within the confines of your individual body or ego, you awaken to the fact that you are able to love all of reality. By becoming aware of this infinite love within you, the separation between loving yourself, and loving others and the world collapses. You gain the ability to love yourself, others, all beings, experiences, and all of reality infinitely. Perhaps a better way to put it is that you have re-discovered something that you always have been — infinite — but forgot or did not realize until now, or perhaps you might have.
This is a resource for resilience, joy, and compassion you can take with you anywhere and for the rest of your life. Everything you will ever need is within you, because it will guide you to everything you need to do in the external. Of course I admit that you need to gather information from the external to make internal decisions. I am not arguing about ‘which is superior: the internal or the external?’ because they are equal. They are literally the same. They’re all part of the same universe, eh? There only seems to be a difference because of our perspectives as egos. What’s important is realizing that you can rely on yourself. You can trust yourself. You can listen to yourself and consider yourself. By being able to love yourself, you are able to balance your sense of self in life, in the ‘external.’ I hope this helps you find balance. I hope you have a good day.
